


wonder

by hqten



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Breakup, Cheating, M/M, Unrequited, based on a comic by steupts, implied SakuAtsu, past AtsuKita - Freeform, uhhhh pushing my iizukita agenda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29782959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hqten/pseuds/hqten
Summary: Kita doesn't make mistakes, so it must have been Atsumu's fault.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	wonder

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on a comic by steupts! you can find the art that inspired this piece [here](https://www.instagram.com/p/CGVMy1igXkj/?igshid=cyz9tqi3q43s)
> 
> also check out their [profile](https://www.instagram.com/steupts/?igshid=66ppdpxepsv3)

Kita doesn’t make mistakes, so it must have been Atsumu’s fault.

It begins like any other day. Atsumu wakes up, sends Kita a good morning text, and gets out of bed after three minutes of no reply. That was to be expected. Kita usually doesn’t respond to Atsumu’s early messages, citing that he dislikes using his phone first thing in the morning.

He showers and gets ready. The MSBY Jackals have a match later on, so Atsumu has to prepare for that. He sends Kita another text, wishing him a good day, and makes his way to the arena. In true Atsumu fashion, he’s later than he should be and is met with a stare from Sakusa, a high five from Bokuto, and something that barely constitutes as comprehensible speech from Hinata. But that’s how it usually goes, so Atsumu isn’t fazed. The crowd is cheering, his synapses are firing and his spikers are doing better than ever. Today is a good day.

The MSBY Jackals win their game, and after a rowdy celebration in the changing rooms, Atsumu excuses himself. He knows that Kita won’t have been watching the match live, so the news of Atsumu’s win won’t have reached him yet. Atsumu smiles internally, picturing how Kita will look when he finds out, and how he’ll say ‘I'm proud of you’. that never fails to make Atsumu happy.

Atsumu then starts the two hour long drive from Osaka to Hyogo. The windows are down, the music is playing, and he’s singing as loudly as socially acceptable. Today is a good day. And even if it hadn’t been a good day so far, seeing Kita would change that.

He parks outside Kita’s house and considers if he should tell him that he is here, before deciding against it. That would ruin the surprise. He hasn’t seen Kita much during the past month, and even when both of their schedules were free, they’d only managed to spend a day together at most.

Atsumu had suggested that they move in, but Kita turned the idea down. It won’t work for them, he said. They’re too busy. It’s too soon. Of course, Atsumu was slightly disappointed, but at the end of the day, Kita knows best.

Atsumu unlocks the front door and enters Kita’s house.  
“Kita-san?” he calls. Even though their relationship has been going for five years, Atsumu never dropped the honorific from his high school years.

There is no reply. Atsumu grins to himself. Knowing Kita, he’s probably on the farm and will return in a few hours to a surprise visit from his boyfriend. He'll be overjoyed and they’ll spend the rest of the day doing nothing special, just talking, laughing, and being themselves. ‘Tsumu and Shin.

Today is a good day.

Atsumu pushes open the kitchen door, planning to cook something for Kita. He expects to see a kitchen filled with neatly stacked produce and clean dishes, just the way Kita likes.

Instead, Kita is already in there. His back is to the door so he doesn’t see Atsumu, but Atsumu sees him.

And the man next to Kita, hand on his shoulder, and lips on his neck.

The second that Kita becomes aware of Atsumu's presence, he springs away from the other man.  
“Atsumu? I didn't know you were coming.”

“Shin?” The man furrows his brow. “Who’s this?”

“This is Atsumu.” Kita speaks slowly, or maybe he’s speaking normally and Atsumu’s brain is slowing it down as if to soften the blow. “He’s my- my-”

“Kita-san?” Atsumu’s words hang in the air.

“It’s not what it looks like.”

“Oh, Kita-san.” Atsumu whispers. “Yer everything to me. But yer not a liar.”

“It’s exactly what it looks like.” Kita admits it, and a tear rips on the skin of Atsumu's heart.

“Why?”

“Atsumu. let me explain.” Kita’s voice is quiet, professional, distant, but it doesn’t sound different, and Atsumu wonders if it has always been like this.

“Was it something I did?”

“It’s not your fault. It’s mine.”

Atsumu knows Kita is lying because Kita is perfect. Kita has always been perfect. Kita is lying to him, taking the blame to try and make Atsumu feel less bad.

It’s not working.

“Tsukasa,” Kita mutters, and it takes a moment for Atsumu to realise that Tsukasa is the other person in the kitchen.

“Do you want me to go?” Tsukasa seems just as surprised as Atsumu and there’s an apologetic look on his face that doesn’t make Atsumu feel better.

“It’s fine,” Atsumu interrupts. “I’ll let you carry on.” He wants Kita to tell him to stay, to offer to fix this, to do anything that might stop Atsumu's tiny heart from crumbling.

Kita is silent.

“I'm- I'm gonna leave now,” Atsumu says, and it’s a miracle that he can even get the words out because his throat is closing up. He feels strangled and he bites his lip to stop it from trembling. It tastes like blood.

And the worst part is that Kita doesn’t even look guilty. He looks relieved, like Atsumu is a burden that is finally being released from his shoulders.

Atsumu walks out of Kita’s house with his head up and manages to make it inside his car before something breaks and he cries.

He cries until his eyes are swollen and the skin around them is sore. He cries until his cheeks are scratched from the number of times he has wiped them. He cries until his shirt is stained and there’s a pile of used tissues cluttering the floor.

He cries until his shoulders are shaking and his teeth are chattering. He cries until his breaths are ragged and he struggles for air a few times. He cries until his head is pounding like there’s a drummer inside, and each beat is a reminder that he’s alone.

It feels like there is a hand around his heart, wringing out all of the love in glorious drops of red, emptying it so it is left as a shell.

Except that it’s not nearly as poetic as it sounds because there’s no dramatic background music and it just hurts.

It hurts.

Atsumu is still in his car when the streetlights turn on and alert him to the fact that it’s becoming late. He reaches for his phone, wincing at how bright it is, and calls a number. It connects on the second ring.

“‘Tsumu?”

Atsumu sniffs.  
“Hey, ‘Samu.”

“Ya been crying.”

“Yeah.”

Osamu sighs.  
“Where are you?”

“Kita-san’s place.”

There’s a pause as Osamu thinks, followed by a quiet ‘oh’.

“Yeah.”

“What do you want me to do?” Osamu asks, and Atsumu doesn’t know what to say because Osamu isn’t Kita and so Osamu can’t do anything to make it stop. He just wants to be distracted from the fact that his boyfriend of five years has been cheating on him for God knows how long.

“Can you pick me up?”

“Give me an hour and a half.”

“It’s a two hour drive.”

“I know. Give me an hour and a half.”

“Thanks,” Atsumu whispers, and then he hangs up because otherwise he’s going to start crying all over again and there aren’t enough tissues in the car for that. So he closes his eyes and squeezes his hands into tight fists to stop himself from falling apart. He stays in that position, a broken man on a leather car seat while the sun sets and it’s annoying because the sky is pretty and his life isn’t.

Osamu arrives in his car and knocks on Atsumu's window. Atsumu wordlessly gets out, closing the door behind him and dropping the keys into Osamu's hand.

“You gonna leave yer car here?” Osamu questions. Atsumu shrugs because although the car is his own, it’s full of memories of late night food sprints, early morning conversations and so many times in between, all of them with Kita. There’s a legitimate possibility that he might crash it if he tries to drive.

He doesn’t respond.

“I’ll get someone to pick it up for ya later.”

He nods.

“Hey, Tsumu,” Osamu says, his voice hesitant. “You don’t have to say anything. If ya don’t wanna.”

Normally, Atsumu would have said something about how he isn’t speaking anyway and Osamu’s sentence is redundant, but his mouth is too dry and too tired to form words.

He sits in the passenger seat and tries not to feel.

Atsumu wakes up the next morning in a bed that is his own but doesn’t seem like it is. He feels disconnected from everything around him, like the part that defined himself has gone missing.

Except that it’s not missing and he knows exactly where it is, off in Hyogo intertwined with some man called Tsukasa.

He sits up and the first thing he sees a photo of him and Kita on his bedside table. It was taken on Atsumu’s graduation day. He’s wearing a suit and his tie is neatly knotted, but only because Kita did it for him. In the photo, Kita is next to him, smiling directly at the camera while Atsumu is laughing at something out of sight.

That was a good day. From before he lost Kita.

Or maybe he never lost Kita. Maybe Kita never was his to have, to hold, or to lose. Maybe Kita had been like grains of sand through his fingertips, falling beautifully, but falling nonetheless. 

Atsumu places the photo frame face down. He's not dramatic enough to smash it, so for now he’ll hide it away.

Someone knocks on his room door and he expects that it is Osamu, performing his brotherly duties and making sure that he didn’t die in his sleep or something equally as enviable.

“Come in.”

They enter Atsumu’s room and he is startled because a) it isn’t Osamu, b) it is Sakusa Kiyoomi, and c) Sakusa looks like he has been crying too.

“You’re awake.”

“Omi-kun?”

Sakusa shifts where he is standing.  
“Your brother- he was busy this morning-” He clears his throat. “He asked me to check on you.”

“Why you?” In all fairness, Atsumu’s question is a good one. Sakusa isn’t known for his ability to be comforting. If Osamu had any sense, he would have sent Bokuto or Hinata.

Or a time machine, so Atsumu could go back to before he gave his heart away.

And it’s not like he and Sakusa are close. They used to be, but it feels like recently, Sakusa has been growing distant from him, purposely avoiding him. Sort of. Atsumu hasn’t really been paying attention, too preoccupied with being the best boyfriend possible for Kita.

Kita. The thought makes another sob rack his body and his vision starts swimming.

“Because I care,” Sakusa answers.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Sakusa speaks carefully. “I care about you.”

“Did ‘Samu tell ya what happened?”

“He mentioned Kita Shinsuke.”

“We broke up.”

“I’m sorry.”

“He was cheating on me,” Atsumu spits. “I must have been such a bad person, for him to-”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

“You’re not Kita, so whatcha think doesn’t matter!”

Sakusa winces.  
“I’ll be in the kitchen.”

“Wait, Omi, I didn't mean it like that.”

Sakusa falters, before mumbling again.  
“I’ll be in the kitchen.”

“Omi-kun,” Atsumu says upon entering the kitchen. Sakusa is by his oven, cooking what looks to be eggs. It’s uncannily domestic and something catches in Atsumu’s throat.

“You’re still crying,” Sakusa observes. Atsumu bites his tongue.

“Mm. What were ya crying about earlier?”

“A minor issue.”

“How minor?”

“Compared to what you’re going through, it’s minor.” Sakusa speaks shakily, in a way that Sakusa doesn’t.

And Atsumu doesn’t reply to that because he doesn’t know what to say and the only thing on his mind right now is that Kita and Sakusa cook their eggs differently.

He’s not sure if he wants to eat these eggs.

He’s not aware of the fact that more tears are falling until Sakusa silently hands him a tissue, and when Atsumu doesn’t take it, Sakusa presses it against his cheek.

“You’re crying about Kita, aren’t you.” It’s not a question, It’s a statement, and one that is painfully correct. 

“He’s an asshole. He's a- a-” Atsumu broke off. “He’s not. Kita-san’s perfect.”

“Miya. It’s okay.”

“So I must have fucked up somewhere, and maybe if I was better, if I did more-”

“Atsumu,” Sakusa breathes, and although it’s not the first time he’s used Atsumu’s given name, there’s something different about the way he says it now. It’s almost resigned, like the word wasn’t meant for his mouth.

The broken thing inside Atsumu splinters further and he wails. It’s a pathetic sound, announcing the release of his emotions. It makes him feel worse.

Sakusa places a hand on Atsumu's shoulder, and after a short moment, pulls him into what should have been a hug but isn’t. Atsumu doesn’t quite fit in his arms. It’s a too loose bandage around a wound, but it’s better than nothing. It’s better than nothing.

A few hours later, Atsumu is sitting on the curb outside of his house. The sun is at its highest point and the sky is bright but it doesn’t matter because Atsumu is still crying over somebody who doesn’t care anymore and probably never did. The initial feeling of betrayal has subsided and all he feels now is guilt. And he’s tired, too. He's tired of his heart being full of Kita and simultaneously empty.

But most of all, Atsumu feels alone. He misses Kita, and stupidly, he wants him back, if only to hear him lie and say ‘I love you’ one more time.

There’s the sound of footsteps and the clearing of a throat behind him.  
“I’ll sit with you,” Sakusa says, and he places himself beside Atsumu without waiting for a response. “But only for as long as you need me.”

Atsumu speaks, but it is hollow, like there is a void in the back of his throat.  
“What if I need you forever?”

“Then I’ll sit with you forever.” Sakusa looks straight ahead. Atsumu is grateful for that because he can’t bear to see the pity on Sakusa’s face. “But not a second longer.”

Atsumu wonders how long forever is going to last and if he’ll be okay by the end of it. He wonders why the world is the way it is and why Kita did what he did and why he can’t find it in his heart to blame anyone other than himself. He wonders if he’ll ever get over this and he wonders if Kita is buried so deep in his heart that by the time he comes out, Atsumu won’t be Atsumu anymore.

He wonders if that should scare him.

He wonders about the man sitting next to him, Sakusa Kiyoomi, and he wonders about why he cares and why he is here when he doesn’t want to be. He wonders about why Sakusa has been distant and why Sakusa looks at him with those eyes, brimming with an emotion that Atsumu recognises. Because it mirrors his own.

He wonders whether Sakusa will be okay.

He hopes so.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! comments and kudos appreciated
> 
> you can find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/hqtens)


End file.
